The Story on how it all began
The shortest version of my story is I was born in Russia, I grew up in Berlin and I live in Florida now. I studied in London and lived in New York for 3 years.
If you are interested in more, I invite you to grab a cup of tea, make yourself comfortable and read on.
I was growing up daddy’s girl, admiring him as a self made man, coming from humble beginnings, being incredibly driven and ambitious, working himself up to having has own construction company and providing a very good life to his family. A life that was worlds apart from how he grew up.
I seemed to inherited that drive and getting the highest grades made me dream of studying in England, the ultimate embodiment of ‘I made it in life’. I wanted to study politics to be able to quickly change the world.
At the same time, at school I have always been involved in acting and all kinds of events and stage productions. I loved acting and singing and fashion. But, according to my dad, nothing serious that I can make money with. Creative career is only for special people, geniuses, apparently not me.
I listened to him and for my Master’s degree I was accepted into King’s College London, on of the oldest and best universities in the world.
At the age of 25, I thought I had it all: a husband, our apartment on the beach in Miami, a Masters Degree in International Relations from King’s College. Everything the society considers necessary for a person to officially having made it.
I was the ultimate good girl, right? But my dad still wasn't happy.
On the outside everything looked perfect. I finished my Masters degree in International Relations in London, my parents were there, my sister and my husband. The graduation ceremony was in the famous Barbican center and I was wearing a Vivienne Westwood gown that my dad even bought for me to keep!
Picture perfect that I had been dreaming of for such a long time…
In reality it was my worst nightmare.
My parents were divorced by then and didn't talk to each other. My sister was a terrible brat, a moody teenager being only interested in shopping. My relationship hit rock bottom and I actually told my partner that I’m not coming back home with him but will go to my parents. And the worst thing was that my dad didn't seem to be that happy about my accomplishments while all I had been doing until then was to make him proud. Neither did I know what to do with my degree because I was terribly disappointed in politic after I got the money driven behind the scenes look from my brilliant professors.
What was I doing? Where was my life heading? I was devastated.
I knew this life couldn’t go on like this any longer. It was killing my soul.
I was trying to please everybody, my dad, my mom, my partner, convincing myself that this is what I want, too. But in the end I had to realize that I didn't even know who I was and what I wanted, I was so used to listening to others.
That very painful moment made me start thinking about living a life on my own terms, made me want to uncover what do I want? Do I even have an inner voice? What would life on MY terms look like?
I went to Paris to see my gorgeous friends for 3 weeks and of course, as it usually happens, I took a break, the pain lessened and I allowed my husband to convince me to go back and give our relationship another chance.
Full of hopes I went back to Miami and it even got better for couple months only to then crash down to the point of me hitting rock bottom. I remember standing on our balcony on the 9th floor, looking down on the cement tennis court, in a daze, pushing down a beautiful planter with my favorite palm tree from the railing and watching it shatter in pieces on the hard floor. This could be me and I would be dead instantly and would not have to suffer any longer was my thought.
At the same time, there was a little voice in my head telling me to go back inside, pack my stuff and leave. It was time.
So I did. In December, right before all the holidays, I was leaving my husband whom I still loved, having all the break downs and teary conversations. Talking about painful.
I moved to New York, left my apartment on the fifth day to go to the park across the street. I climbed up the stairs until I came to a terrace overlooking the Hudson River and the George Washington bridge.
I was wearing sunglasses on this overcast day end of January to cover up my puffy eyes and also because I couldn’t stop crying. Looking at the bridge I had another thought about being done with this life. Yes, I escaped my abusive relationship but nothing else has changed, I am still lost and have no idea what to do with myself. I felt so lonely and knew nobody who would comprehend the devastation inside of me. That bridge was high enough for me to end this pain…
And again, I heard a little voice in my head, ‘Just give yourself another chance. Just this last time.’
I remembered that I bought a book back in October that I started reading couple times, but never got to implement the steps that this woman was talking about. That book was ‘Add more ing to your life’ by Gabrielle Bernstein and it changed my life.
Gabby opened a whole new world of spirituality and coaching for me that I dove right into. It felt so right, I was soaking up everything that I could get my fingers on, books, blogs, webinars, freebie newsletters, podcasts, went to Gabby’s in person group coaching in New York. My life started to make sense.
6 months later an opportunity presented itself to sign up for a coaching certification and I jumped right on it.
Meanwhile, my dad kept asking me when am I going to get a proper job and why I was wasting my life doing nothing.
Well, the certification turned out to be less then what they promised and my business wasn't exactly taking off as I was sold for. Meanwhile, my dad kept asking me when am I going to get a proper job and why I was wasting my education that he gave me.
In December 2013, I hit my rock bottom. This time it was even harder, because now that I tried what felt so right, my life was still not perfect. I was ready to give up the life of a coach.
I was crying every day, going to yoga and dancing tango. One day, I had a date with a guy whom I really felt like I was being myself with, but he didn't get back to me after the date so that was the cherry on my sad cake.
After one yoga class, I came up to my teacher, Marco Rojas and asked whether we could talk. We did and I told him that I was falling apart, feeling like an alien, like a completely crazy person that nobody understands. And his advice was, “Be as crazy as you possibly can. One day, you will meet a person who will look at you and say, ‘Oh my God, you are so crazy! I’ve been looking for you my whole life!” This was some kind of solace for me. I went to Berlin for a month over the holidays, letting it all hang out, not pretending to be successful and that my life is amazing in NY. I gave up the appearance to be perfect. And usually in such moments, people become loving and supportive and caring. So when I came back full of love and support, life didn't look as dire as it did before I was leaving.
And sure enough, the guy that didn't get back to me, texted me that he missed me and whether we can see each other again. Marco was right, when I stopped trying to please and be perfect, I met the guy who loves my crazy.
I also started to have my first full paying customers who came to me from referrals. Those people were not familiar with the spiritual and energetic world to my surprise and I found myself being open and unapologetic with them as I was with my man on our first date telling them that I don't have a 5 step program, I work intuitively, and I will be using the words Universe, energy, God and vibrations. What I thought would repel people, my woo woo craziness, actually attracted them. Marco’s advice worked again.
I realized that I found myself in a life where I was able to completely be myself, with my clients as well as with my man. All these years of pain and struggle, trying to appear as somebody other people wanted to see in me didn't have the effect that I actually desired with all my heart: being seen for who I am. After spending most of my life feeling inadequate, finally I felt perfectly whole, what I wanted all along, this feeling of right came when I allowed myself to let go of the persona I thought others would like and accept myself exactly as I am, with all my flaws and imperfections.
And who led me there? The little voice. My own inner guidance. At some point I realized that my life is exactly how I wanted it to be, without pretending and trying. Just being.
I had my own guru inside of me all along.
Although I have the life that is full of meaning and love and light, there are still ups and downs.
Especially the past 2 years have been very challenging with my man loosing both of his parents. Having to take care of a beloved person, left me with no time to take care of my business. I took up a job as a yoga studio manager to create space and freedom to do what I absolutely love doing and am so passionate about. The spiritual practice is essentially what fulfills me. Moment to moment commitment to awareness, meditation, journaling, clean eating and self care to be able to peel the layers is my fire that lights me up from within.
And you know what? After all these years of working hard on getting clear what my purpose is, what I am meant to do in life and uncovering all this deep stuff, in the end, what my dad was most content about was when I got a job as a yoga studio manager. He does not understand my yearning for inner transformation.
I had to recognize that he might never understand that part of my life.
What I have to come to acceptance with is that I might never please my dad.
My deepest desire is to live my life for myself. Not anybody else. Not even my papa.
Sometimes I wonder what my life could have looked like if I stayed in Miami, if I didn’t make the choice to leave my ex and leaving that ‘perfect’ life. I would have more luxury and more things that my dad would approve of. But that life would have been my personal hell, deprived of any meaning nor purpose.
Without leaving that comfort and safety, I would have never found out how powerful I actually am, what I am capable of and of course, would have never met my man. Most importantly, I would have never known the real me.
What I came to realize is that the moment that I was waiting for, the ‘I know now what my purpose is!’ or ‘I made $50.000 in one launch!’ or ‘I met the partner of my life!’ is either never a one moment but a period of time or if it is a moment of epiphany, then it is just the beginning of a process of uncovering the layers. It is still work but oh so worth it. The level of realness and connectedness in your life is worth all the effort facing the pain, the trauma and the tough conversations with certain people. This is the work of releasing all the baggage that we are carrying around our whole life. When we release it, bit by bit, we feel so much lighter. We allow our wings to shed the dust and spider webs and start using them again. Because essentially we all are angels on this earth who came here for a purpose to heal each other and in the process heal ourselves.
“It takes courage...to endure the sharp pains of self discovery rather than choose to take the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of our lives.” Marianne Williamson
If you feel inspired to embark on your own journey of healing your past, I would love to connect with you to see whether we want to work together.
You see, I believe that the house of live can be build either on sand or solid foundation. If we just pursue the outer goals they will grant us only temporary pleasure. We have to go deep and face our darkness first to know that we can handle it all.
To find long lasting peace.
To find our true selves.
Rom wasn't built in a day. But for centuries.
Take the first step, schedule your free consultation with me and let’s see what your next step on your journey is. Because your life is waiting for you, darling heart.