Like the Legend of the Phoenix
Like the legend of the phoenix...
December was insane. Or intense. Or crazy. Or transformational.
Or nothing that I have ever experienced before.
I am a new person now. I have said it many times. And every time it is true.
This time the ride was very... bumpy and messy and painful; I felt challenged in my usual trust that the universe has my back, triggered in deepest beliefs and emotions, taken to my limits. I questioned my purpose and doubted my truth.
It was a roller coaster with never before reached highs and never that deep felt lows.
I felt let down by a person I thought was my rock.
At the same time, somehow deep down, I knew that this person is doing exactly the right thing for me. I had to figure it out by myself. I had to realize that I am capable of getting through it on my own.
Finally, I decided to share with my father what I do and how my every day life looks like. I wrote a letter to him. He knew that I am a coach but I assumed he will never get it if I explain to him all the spiritual bla bla that I am living and breathing. He is Russian and lives in Russia. Should say it all. 8 pages in a sealed envelope were on their way to Saint Petersburg. I was curious about his reaction to say the least. I was scared to be rejected.
Still, I was at peace with my truth.
I aborted mission. I broke up the 30 Days blogging challenge after day 8 and felt like a failure.
I felt completely lost and oh my god, how horrifyingly confused.
I did not know what to do and why to get up in the morning.
I did let myself down again. I realized that I let another person walk all over me, take advantage of me and I could not believe that I did it again. I was not able to protect myself and stand up for myself. I felt like I am back to square one. Two years ago, when I started digging and decluttering my psyche, I understood that people used to treat me disrespectfully and plain badly because I let it happen. It was a very painful realization.
Well, this time it was even worse. Because back then I was only starting out to work on self-love and knew there was only one way out. This time, I felt like all the work was in vain. I really did. Of course, it was not. I was on a whole new level or depth of understanding. Plus, I noticed it so much quicker. It was such a throw back to realize that I have given so much power over myself to this person. It did hurt a lot. Mostly, that I did let down myself.
I hurt a friend. And maybe lost her.
I stirred up some big questions within the world of other two friends. Not on purpose. In hindsight though, that was exactly what they needed. I was beating myself up for intruding someones privacy for a while until one of them texted me saying that this helped them to finally tackle the unspoken part of their relationship.
I let fear take the lead and withheld my truth. I was not completely truthful with people and with myself.
I let procrastination creep in my life again.
I lost my alignment.
I learned to listen to my body even more.
I learned to do nothing. Fucking hard. Try it.
I discovered that I hate the word boundaries. A blog is coming on this controversial topic.
I learned that I have a friend who has been with me probably every minute of this bumpy ride supporting me and never ceased to believe in me. And lied behind my back.
I have a friend who is so wise and beautiful holding the bigger version of myself, gently guiding me through the mess. And also her withdrawing in a moment when I needed support badly.
I learned that if I am open and vulnerable and share my pain with others, there are people that I have never met before who are willing to be there for me, to support me and take their time to write encouraging words or even call me and pour all their love and experience into me. I love Facebook for that matter. I truly do.
I learned that there is so much more to learn about self love.
More expectations and visions and goals to release.
More to trust and more listening within.
I learned that I have to give it some time... while being the source of time.
I want to be completely honest with every single person around me.
I want to let it be and trust the divine timing for everything.
I want to let love guide the way.
And I will go through all this mess again to get deeper to my core. Again and again.
I am so grateful to be able to share this with you.
I am back :)
Like the legend of the phoenix
All ends with beginnings
What keeps the planet spinning
The force of the beginning
We’ve come too far to give up who we are
So let’s raise the bar and our cups to the stars...
Lots of love to you,