When it Seems Like 'How the Heck Did This Happen to Me?'
Well, I do feel crazy right now.
Why? Because I don’t know any people who would deal with their Upper Limit Problems (ULP) so consciously like I do. But you know what... I wouldn’t have it any other way. And then... What is normal?
The past weekend in Vermont was... perfect. It was more than perfect; because perfect is when everything happens how I envision it. And THIS was more. So much more...
I am sitting in this feeling and also feeling the freak out. Keep thanking my higher self for the fact that apparently I mirror my inside on the outside. Apparently all the inner work is paying off; it is manifesting itself in this mind blowing reality.
I don’t count myself as a woman who wasn’t treated nicely by men. But this... And you know, as John Gray describes in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, females tend to pay attention to the little things.
It’s knowing what I like and making these things happen. It’s stopping at a blueberry farm and getting freshly picked blueberries to munch on while driving to the cheese festival. It is his arm around my waist or caressing my neck when we stand and talk to other people. It is how he tells other people how amazing I am. It’s booking the most adorable B&B with a wonderful, spiritual author with whom I had an incredibly encouraging talk out of nowhere in the middle of the night. It’s never rushing me. It’s always making sure that I am comfortable. It’s asking me whether I am cold, hungry, tired, want anything or more of something. It’s the orgasms. It’s the kisses. It’s his touch. It’s when he looks into my eyes and tells me how freaking beautiful I am. It’s how he takes pictures of me.
It’s his openness and honesty. It’s the ease between us, the flow and the natural comfort. It’s his non judgement. It’s how me I feel with him, moreover, I constantly feel challenged to be more me. It’s the feeling that I can tell him anything; even things that I am scared to admit to myself. It’s the feeling that he is genuinely interested in my state of mind, in my work, in how I am feeling and what I am worried about.
Why I hit my Upper Limit? (If you haven’t read it yet then this is a must: The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks. He explains how it comes that we tend to self-sabotage ourselves when we reach our upper level of happiness, a level of what we think that we deserve and are worthy of.)
I love the feeling of being spoiled. But with him, it is another level. It is not what I am asking for, it seems like he reads my mind and thinks ahead. I am basking in the overarching feeling of how he strives to make me feel good. I am wrapped in the feeling of constant love, attention, gentleness and kindness.
And then... I feel embarrassed. I’ll tell you why.
Me, the princess, who is used to be spoiled by my dad and most of the men in my life, freaks out about simple acts of attention. Or maybe it is the number of these simple acts of attention. The sheer amount of deep deep pleasure overwhelms me.
I am not sure whether there is anyone who will understand me here. Because on the one hand, isn’t it how it is supposed to be? What everyone of us is dreaming of? What they write about in the romantic novels? Am I just supposed to be happy and take it as it comes my way? Not for granted, with certain gratefulness, but not freaking out like I do.
And on the other hand, do such things really exist in real life, outside of romantic novels and our dreams? I do not know anyone personally who does have a relationship like that. Is it possible? Can my human brain take it?
When women post about flowers they got from their lovers, or a gift he gave her, or a dinner he prepared for her... I am crazily happy for them. Then I think about myself and whether I should post something like that... And I get confused about where should I start the list of all the things that I am blessed with... and this imaginary list leaves me breathless.
And if I am doubting whether there are people out there who are experiencing this kind of love, maybe there are others who are wondering the same. I would love to hear your thoughts about it, maybe you have a love story to share and feel encouraged to do so by this post. Please do. I think we need to see and hear more evidences of love and happiness and joy.
If you have experienced this feeling of ‘What the fuck is happening with me and how comes that I am so freaking happy?’ then my suggestion is to sit in this feeling and consciously let every cell of your body feel it. This is how you expand your level of happiness and invite more of it in your life.
And if you want your hand to be held through this process of becoming more aware of joy and happiness, I will be leading a group coaching on Mondays in August. It will be on Google hangout and I am really excited to be able to welcome all the gorgeous people who are not from New York and can now work with me online :)
Cannot wait to see your beautiful faces!
Google hangout is limited to 10 people, so it will be very personal and cozy. You will be able to ask questions and share your experiences with us in an intimate setting.
Bask in happiness, love, you deserve it. And let me know how it goes :)