Duh, Alla, nothing new.
There are days of pure joy, you just feel amazing and everything flows.
Then there are days of such happiness that the level of pleasure needs to be adjusted :) I wrote about it in my previous blog.
Also there are days of freak outs, as I call them. On those days, it is difficult to see beyond anxiety and fear, even though I know that they are not real. They do seem real; gripping me and not letting go. I feel tense and have to remind myself to breath. It can go for minutes, hours or a day.Then when I find the strength to stop the madness, sit in it and understand what it is that I am scared of, it becomes manageable.
Put your fears in words, try to describe them. On a paper or out loud to yourself.
In that moment, when I stop running from myself, the tension releases and usually I break down and cry.
It's my #1 remedy.
Sometimes in my bed, sometimes on the floor, or on the couch.
Sometimes it's crying, sometimes wailing; Sometimes for 10 min, sometimes for 30 or an hour.
I cry until I don’t feel like crying anymore.
I have to admit, it was a little difficult in the beginning. Not the crying itself, but to allow myself to cry.
You see, when I grew up, I was told that when women cry it doesn't mean anything. Because for a woman to cry is as easy as to pee; necessary but meaningless. Nothing worthy of attention.
I had to rewire my brain, read a lot of books and blogs to learn that it is ok to cry. Moreover, it turns out to be a very important tool to release junk, mental junk.
Also there are stages in this learning process; nowadays I let myself cry more freely, release more and more control, watch myself less and less and the question 'what are my neighbors thinking?' gets the response 'I don't give a shit' more often.
It is important for the little Alla within me that I take this time to process stuff that I am going through. It is crucial to acknowledge your feelings and take yourself as seriously as you would a suffering friend. Be this friend to yourself.
I used to wonder whether there will ever be a person who could be with me in such moments and not think that I am insane. But then I realized, I actually don't really need anyone. As long as I can be with myself and stay with this sobbing puddle on the floor without judging, evaluating, and thinking when is it going to stop... I am fine. It is not easy, but it gets easier every time.
And I cry a lot. I accepted that this is my way of processing my experiences. And there is a lot happening in my life. The pace of life is increasing and I learn not to wait until this phase is over but to breath and adjust to the speed.
I am up for it, universe :)
Bring it on.
And if it's seems like too much, I'll just cry. :)